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Saturday, April 25, 2015

A Conflama

I'm there. 

In that place I find myself often. Feeling like few "get" me. Wanting desperately to be "gotten." Wanting to be able to spill all my jumbled thoughts out on the table and categorically, systematically go through each, one-by-one, and make sense of the tangled mess. 

I'm at that place where words fail to encapsulate all the emotions and colors flowing through my mind--and words rarely fail me. 

I'm at a juncture in my faith and in my life where I feel I'm being called to go deeper, higher, farther. 

I feel like I've been given a small, smudged corner of the map and told to "walk that way" and then....nothing more until the next directive. In the mean time, I'm walking blindfolded, clutching this tattered piece of map for all I'm worth, and waiting, waiting...

And clinging. 

Clinging to the hope and faith I have in God. Believing Him when He says that He has a plan, that I'm not just wandering aimlessly without purpose. That He understands, even when I or others don't. 

And I'm trusting. 

Trusting that He is directing my paths. That He does have my best interest at heart. 

I'm limping along, bruised and wounded by life's battles, nursing scars, and not sure I can survive the war. Weak and dehydrated from the back-and-forth that happens in life. Exhausted from the beautiful and maddening differences found in each one of us; those things that can bring us together can also drive us so far apart. 

And asking myself if I really mean it when I say I'll follow Him. 

Will I?

Will I choose a tattered, living, breathing map to a destination I know, but a path I'm unsure of over a clear-cut path to misery?

Where He points will I go? Where He leads, will I follow? 

Will I leave those who won't follow, even if they ask me to stay? Even when it makes no sense to them--or to me?

Will I ignore the disbelief and incredulity of others in order to please Him?

Sometimes it feels like it costs me too much even though the price has already been paid. 

And do I really believe what I say I do?

The more I learn, the more I know. 

And the more I know, the greater the realization that there's a line in the sand.

It's impossible to be a part-time follower once the Truth is revealed.

So here I stand, holding this piece of map. One foot in front of the other. 

Ready. 

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