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Sunday, July 20, 2014

When You Fall Apart

Welcome! If you are finding me here through The Better Mom, I am so glad you're here. My post on The Better Mom is a much more eloquent, pretty version of the type of scenario I present below. But here at Suburban Stereotype, I aim to keep things real. I hope you'll stay a while and we can get to know each other...

~Mandy

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I just freaked out on my kids. 

I totally bottomed out - hit rock bottom. as they say. 

In the middle of cleaning up spilled sauce from lunch, my daughter came to me to announce that there were books and flash cards all over the floor of the closet in the playroom. 

When I investigated, I found she was indeed right. 

I took exactly 2 seconds and one Hulk-sized breath before reaching out my arm and clearing the shelf of the remaining books. 

They sprayed around the walk-in closet and fell with their relatives on the floor. I ranted. I raved. And then I fell to my knees and cried.

I sat there, with my back to my kids, for minutes trying to collect my wildly beating heart and control the tears running down my face. My thoughts were racing and I had such an inner battle that I thought I would explode. 

Most days I feel loved. I feel blessed. I feel secure.

Most days.

Today...and the day before and the day before that...I feel like a maid. 

I feel like a chef and a butler, and a chauffer, and a referee. 

I feel small. I feel inadequate. I feel unappreciated. 

I feel unseen.

The part of me that knows I'm blessed and lucky to be home with my kids who are healthy and beautiful fights with the part of me that is at the end of my rope. 

The woman who writes about Jesus and God and mercy and forgiveness is conflicted with the fleshly part of her that wants a break; who wants a moment when she can do something she enjoys and not something that simply needs done...again and again and again. 

The girl who knows she should die to self stands in stark contrast with the girl who wants what she wants. 

The Godly wife who wants to respect and support her husband gets tired of having to keep her mouth shut even when she "knows a thing or two" that could save heartache, time, and energy for everyone. 

This is messy reality. If I pretend to be anything other than this I am lying. 

I hesitate to hit "publish" on this, but if I only publish those posts where things in life are going well, I'm only telling part of the story. 

I need a Savior. 

I quite obviously can't do this on my own. If given any opportunity, I'm afraid I will choose me over anyone else. 

Right now I am in a huge battle with myself.

My family is not a burden and most definitely should not be looked at as one, nor should they ever feel like one. 

But the monotony of everyday...of constant messes left without a second thought...of standing back and waiting waiting waiting...is wearing thin. 

The "light" so-to-speak at the end of the tunnel is that I know this feeling will pass. The freaking-out, out-of-control feeling will pass and I can rationally deal with my feelings.

And that's key.

Dealing with them...not allowing them to lay dormant until the next time something sets me off and I lose it again.  

And I will--deal with them.

But for now...I'm going to clean up the books and flash cards in the play room. 

Again. 

I'll wipe off chairs and counters and tables that have been wiped so often the finish is showing wear. 

I'll sweep and vacuum floors that have been swept and vacuumed a million times and will be swept and vacuumed a million more. 

And I know that even though I'm not feeling it right now, that peace will find its way into my heart again. If I ask for it. 

And I'll apologize to my kids for losing my you-know-what in their presence. 

And we'll move on. 



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