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Wednesday, February 5, 2014

On Those Days You Just Lose It

So today has been one of those craptastic days that creeps along and you think it will never end. The kind of day when you work overtime to keep your patience (and fail miserably), where you snap at the kids over stupid things, where you find yourself sighing and groaning like a wounded animal, and spend 10 minutes in the closet crying out to God about how overwhelmed you feel.

There isn't any one thing that sets you off on these days. It's a perfect storm of "little" things that build and boil over until you explode. 

In my case, when blast off occurred, I stole away to the closet in our playroom and railed at God through tears and with clenched teeth. I raised my voice and used a sharp tone. 

I said some unladylike things and honestly spoke my bleeding heart. 

I unloaded all the things that have been making me feel like a lobster in a pot or a melon in a vice grip. 
The pressure has been unbearable, yet I've been able to keep it at bay; simmering just below the surface.
But today, there she blew. 

I yelled at God about making me go through this life of struggles. Of asking for patience and being given situations to hone that patience instead of just zapping me with patience!

I cried about feeling pulled in a million different directions and being torn between the things I want to do and the things I know I should do. 

I sobbed about the mounting pressure that threatens to crush me; about the beautiful babies who need me for almost everything, but I feel depleted. 

I begged God to take away the ugliness inside and to rid me of the madness of my own thoughts. 
And by the time I was wrapping it up and apologizing to God for being so out of control, my sweet little 7 year old tip-toed into the room and asked if I was okay. 

Am I okay? No. Not really.

Are any of us really "ok"?

But I will be. And something that keeps me going is knowing that I'm not alone. 

And God can handle it when I lose it. He can take it when I speak truthfully to Him. After all, He already knows what I'm thinking. 

"God, You've kept track of every toss and turn through sleepless nights, each tear entered in Your ledger, each ache written in Your book." Psalm 55:22, MSG.

God is here. He gets it, even when I don't. 

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