I started a desperate prayer last night with
"God, please help me..."
And then I almost laughed out loud at the ridiculousness of those words.
God, help me.
Help. As in, assist.
As in, "I'll do the heavy lifting if you'll just lend me a hand."
It hit me.
I can't do anything without Him. Not to the absolute best.
I need Him. I want Him.
It's that letting go of control that is so hard. (And let's not even get into how that 'control' I have is a mirage anyway).
I am such a dichotomy inside.
I pray for Him to take over, to take charge and work through me, yet I struggle to pry my fingers off the reigns of my life.
I feel like the man in Mark 9 who told Jesus, "I believe...please help my unbelief."
I know He can lead and I want Him to...but I have the hardest time actually letting Him.
And it's not like I'm doing such a bang up job that I don't think He could do better.
I sat today thinking just how many times can He...will He rescue me from myself?
How many times will He continue to love me and forgive me when the situation I'm in is my own doing?
How many prayers will He endure where I am crying out to Him all the things that are wrong in my life...about me...about others...without growing tired of me?
And the funniest thing happened.
As I sat and was quiet (which is a relative term in this house), I did feel some "whispers to my soul". I know that's so melodramatic.
But seriously, I felt God saying to me, "Don't give up. You're a work in progress. My power is made perfect in your weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9, NIV)
And I realize that if I had it all together (which is laughable) I would have no room or need for Him. It would be in MY strength and the credit would all go to ME. But when I am weak and I have to rely on Him to be strong, the glory and credit goes to Him, as it should.
Which is good since there is no way I am ever enough on my own.
I have been so intrigued with the Full Armor of God talked about by Paul in Ephesians. It is what we should be wearing (metaporically) in order to be protected in this life. In order to withstand (defensively) the challenges we'll face and to be proactive (on the offense) against them. But it requires giving over complete control to Him and being willing to be the people and doing the things He has created us to be and do.
This topic has been on my mind for about a year. I think it's time I actually sit down and study it. And I'd like to do it on here.
So, I just want you to know...if you are feeling at the end of your quickly fraying rope...again...just know that we are not expected to be, nor can we practically be, perfect.
If you've failed. Again...
If you don't even know what is happening, you just know something isn't right, and you feel powerless to change it...
If you are tired of reaching the bottom and exhausted at the thought of climbing back up...
Know that God is able. He'll do the heavy lifting. He'll do the carrying. We just have to be willing.
"So let God work His will in you. Yell a loud NO to the devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet YES to God and He'll be there in no time." James 4:7, MSG.