Thursday, September 26, 2013

24 SUPER EASY Steps To Potty Train Your Child

This is a glorious day...we kicked potty training's bootay.

Sort of.

I think. 

M, our 4 year old, is finally potty trained. (And no, that's not a typo. He really is 4 years old.)

No more pull-ups.

No more soiled undey-wears.

No more stern conversations extolling the virtues of peeing and pooping on the potty.

No more bribes incentives to stop "going" in his pants.


And I DON'T want to brag, but if you want to know how we did it; it's simple.

Here is our easy, no-fail plan to potty train your child lickety split:


1) Begin with much excitement and fanfare! Sit them on the potty regularly and praise them each and every time they sit--even if they do not actually "go" on the potty.

2) Invest in pull-ups to let them feel like a "big kid".

3) Set a timer and dash to the potty every 10-15 minutes, continuing to build excitement.

4) With the first drop of pee that hits the potty, call every relative on the planet and share the "big news".

5) Allow your child to run around bottom naked so as to skip the (surprisingly lengthy) activity of removing pull up when the timer goes off.

6) Read every book in your extensive child's library in an effort to make potty time more "fun". And then repeat 672 times in a 10 minute period.

7) Grit your teeth and assure your child that you aren't angry when they pee on the kitchen floor (after you just finished sitting on the potty for the 1 millionth time).

8) Cry out to Jesus the fifth time your child poops on the floor exactly 1 nano second after they sat on the potty for 30 minutes.

9) Smash that friggin timer with a sledge hammer Make a conscious decision to no longer pressure your child with a timer.

10) Buy "big kid" underwear so that your child can "feel" when they pee and to offer incentive to pee in the potty.

11) Hold in the animalistic, guttural cry as you throw away yet another pair of newly purchased "big kid" underwear with poop in them (mama ain't cleaning those...)

12) Offer your little guy a pony, a new car, a stack of cold. hard. cash.--ANYTHING-- if he will just for the Love of God GO POTTY ON THE POTTY!

13) Use every activity imaginable to encourage potty training (i.e. "You can't take swimming lessons/play soccer/sleep over at Grandma's/play Minecraft/get a Happy Meal/See Big Time Rush in Concert/hang glide... if you don't pee and poop in the potty..."

14) High five when little Susie actually starts going on the potty!

15) Pull yourself up off the floor, where you've been laying in the fetal position Tell yourself it's okay when Susie starts having "accidents".

16) Muster up every bit of sunshiney encouragement you can to tell little Johnny ONE MORE TIME that you aren't mad he'd rather play than tell you he has to go potty--while you scrub the couch...again.

17 Seriously consider lining every square inch of your house with plastic. This scrubbing bull is for the birds.

18) Write 15 blog posts and 75 Facebook status updates about HOW MUCH YOU HATE POTTY TRAINING.

19) Ratchet down your raving lunatic-ness and take deep, cleansing breaths. How hard can potty training be?? Start your Stuart Smalley self-talk: You're a college grad. You run a business. You've done it several times already. You're a GOOD PERSON!!...

20) Consider yourself an absolute failure. For the love, you're 36 years old, have 3 older potty-trained children...WHY IS THIS NOT WORKING?? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? I'm A FAILURE! 

21) Resign yourself that part of packing up your young lady for college and maybe even preparing her dowry will include Dora Pull ups. Underwear are overrated. Her husband should really lover her for who she is...

22) Give up. Eat chocolate and go about your life.

23) Realize one morning that Johnny hasn't had an accident in more than a week!

24) Celebrate and gloat and write a blog post about Susie being potty trained.

There you have it...super duper easy peasy!

I promise you, if you follow these easy steps, you'll have your child potty trained in
by the time kindergarten starts
before they graduate
in time for college.

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