You may remember a post about this:
I wrote about it in February.
That's a lake in our basement and where a waterfall used to be in our kitchen.
Today is one of those days where it's everything in me to hold it together.
There is a quiet rage coursing through my veins.
I want to tear someone's face off. Many people's actually.
Every time we get to a point where we calm down and feel like things are looking up, the proverbial rug is yanked back out from under us.
I am sick to death of platitudes meant to make us feel better or "there, there" verbal pats on the head, treating us like children.
I may not run a million dollar company, or wear a "professional" title, and I may not be a genius, but I am not stupid.
I know when I am being taken advantage of.
I know when I am not being heard.
I know when others want to sweep the issue under the rug rather than face it head on and admit their part in it. And find a way to make it right.
Yes, this is a litany of 1st world problems, and I acknowledge that.
I am SO grateful that my children and Joe and I are healthy.
But it's the mental and emotional toll this is all taking that worries me.
Joe has had to work with text messages, emails, and phone calls littering his phone, demands made by me and others.
He's had to listen to me cry and beg him to "make it right"--while not having the foggiest how to do that.
He's had to face my blaming accusations and embittered tone when he can't magically fix the problem.
He has to listen to me rail about all the people along the way who have contributed to the mess we are in right now.
He has to look into the faces of his family and feel that he has let us down.
When in fact, it's many others who have let us down.
Of course now, with that magnificent 20/20 hindsight, we can see where we should have made different decisions, taken different paths, made some hard choices that may have been uncomfortable in the short term, but would have saved us so much heartache in the long run.
We can make a pact to do things differently in the future, should we ever be faced with those decisions again, but it's the right-here-right-now that is absolutely bringing us to our knees.
I want to go into detail but I can't for many reasons.
This may turn legal and it has already turned ugly.
The fact that so many can place our family in this situation and lose not one night of sleep over it makes me sick.
"Professionals" who can make enormously, costly mistakes that affect their daily life not at all make me want to get violent.
The "easy way out" to some--and that "easy way" is being suggested and thrown around like it's no big deal-- is exceedingly embarrassing and not at all how we want to handle the situation.
Nor how we should have to.
Not one will step up and take responsibility.
Not one will look at the cold, hard facts and acknowledge their part in this disaster.
From the very beginning until now, everyone is so busy passing the buck and pretending they're doing us a favor, when really what they are doing is robbing us financially, emotionally, and mentally.
Too many days have been filled with me rudely shooing kids out of the room because I'm on the phone with a contractor, or an agent, or an attorney.
Too often I have bitten their heads off because they need me at a moment when I am so frustrated I could cry, burst, swear, or melt down.
This roller coaster has to come to an end.
This up and down is too hard.
Things are awful, things are better, things are looking up, wait things are awful again...over and over.
And it makes no difference whatsoever to anyone but us.
Everyone who had a part in creating this drama, and who could lend a significant hand in repairing it, is so incredibly busy that they will squeeze us in--when it's convenient to them.
And there is something so absolutely defeating in that.
There seems to be so little integrity in the world anymore.
Or solid customer service.
The main contractor can remove himself from the equation by simply resigning.
Others simply act as if they had no part in this at all.
Still others, who sport a lofty title, think they can hear bullet points from a subordinate and throw out an email making a "generous offer" that should make it all better. But it doesn't even come close to being appropriate.
They completely disregard the financial, emotional and mental toll this has taken on our entire family.
They completely disregard--or are oblivious to-- the fact that the main issue has grown legs and infiltrated many other areas of our life and caused significant, possibly irreparable damage.
And I'm reminded to Trust in the Lord and Lean not on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5).
I'm reminded to forgive as God forgave us (Ephesians 4:32).
I'm reminded to calm down and let God handle the hard stuff (Psalm 46:10).
I know these words from God Himself are valid and written for my benefit.
Because the heart palpitations, ear ringing, shortness of breath, seeing red, arguing with my husband, snapping at my kids, and laying awake at night worrying helps nothing.
None of those people who are responsible are affected by this self-torture.
None of those people care that we spend 90% of our time fretting and wringing our hands trying to find a way through this.
But my husband does care that I look at him with contempt and anger, expecting him to solve this problem.
My kids care that I act like I can't stand the sight of them when they walk in the room and I am --yet again--on the phone with someone "important".
My kids certainly care when I am so stressed out that I cannot even muster a smile for them.
And I realize; it's not about letting anyone off the hook.
It doesn't matter that certain individuals won't acknowledge their part.
They have to live with that knowledge.
It is about me obeying. It's about me supporting my husband and being available to my kids.
It's about me taking a deep breath.
It's about knowing my actions do not depend on others' actions.
It's about realizing I can make the right choices, regardless of how others choose to behave.
It's about knowing that crying or feeling upset about something isn't shameful. It's how you handle those feelings that matters.
It's about me knowing God has this.
No matter how things look today, He has my tomorrow in His hands.
I'm counting on that.