As did Monday.
And Saturday wasn't much better.
I always try to sit down and put together something with meat to it...a post that has a theme or some kind of a give back, if you will. A give back to you.
Maybe a message or a thesis.
Something nice and warm and squishy that you can tuck away for a rainy day. Or that makes you give a hearty nod or a whimsical chuckle as you close up your laptop.
I hasten to tell you this time that I am just going to vomit up all the crap that has been raging through my head and coursing through my veins.
If I didn't know any better, I'd think I snorted some Incredible Hulk juju or something. The past few days I have been green puke and a spinning head short of actually being Linda Blair.
Let's back 'er up to Saturday.
It started fine. And actually cruised nicely toward ending fine.
Until.....until we walked next door to our new neighbors' house and chatted for a bit.
That left our dog alone to think we were abandoning him forever and ever and he did what dogs do in that case.
He freaked the freak out.
I won't go into details and it actually wasn't that bad, but Joe has just had it with this dog, so you can imagine his reaction when he spotted the dog's chaos.
Which led to me blowing a gasket at Joe.
Which is a logical turn of events if you think about it.
Suddenly, our dog-- who has worse anxiety than me (which is really saying something)-- goes all Sybil on us and that becomes Joe's fault. Are you following me?
I won't bore you with all the sordid details, but I will tell you that what could have ended as a nice summer evening visiting with the neighbors and playing outside ended up with yelling, kicking of kid's toys around the driveway and chest bumping.
Yes I said chest bumping.
I am not proud of this, people.
I cringe as I type this, but I think it's important to keep this shiz real around here.
I became possessed. I actually charged Joe. I saw a mixture of terror, shock and rage flash across his face all in a span of 3 seconds. I can't be sure, but I'm pretty sure all he saw of me was this:
I said some colorful words and some other stuff that I can't fully remember and then I told him to leave.
Of course I didn't mean it.
I was mad and out of control.
Thankfully, I apologized within an hour, but you know how that goes. Apologies, even heartfelt, don't exactly erase things that were said in anger.
And then we moved on.
But for some reason the last couple of days I have yo-yo'd between feeling good and feeling hateful.
Between laughing and railing.
Between baking brownies while birds tie ribbons in my hair and throwing dishes because I'm annoyed.
And I'm not choosy over what sends me over the edge, either.
Spilled milk, ruined plans, bad hair day....
And I tend to quickly rally.
I pull it together. Smooth my ruffled feathers and take a deep breath.
And then my computer crashes and I jump off the next cliff.
It's been exhausting.
And what's worse is that all I have worked so hard for over these past few months...making time to be in the Word and working hard to be a better wife...spending time with my kids that matters...trying to err on the side of loving over judging...it all goes up in flames in an instant.
And that only fuels the inferno burning inside me.
And then I become fully engaged in this awful, brutal cycle.
And then I sit here blogging about it.
And I have nothing really to offer in defense of myself or in the way of helping anyone else having this same type of split personality, out of body experience.
Except that any time you try to get closer to God, a million road blocks will pop up seemingly out of nowhere.
And that's what's happening here, I think.
And it pisses me off.
One way to combat that will be to shut off the news, turn off Facebook, and avoid TV that feeds on divisiveness and sensationalism.
So that may be like holding my breath, but it will be worth it.
I need to get rid of this negativity before I do something that I'll really regret.
Like saying something that an "I'm sorry" won't fix.
Or voting democrat.
That was a funny for my democrat/liberal friends. :)