I think one of my many, many flaws...and one that always gets me into trouble...is that I tend to see people the way I think they are. I know that can't be helped to a certain point, after all I can only perceive things in one way-my way. But with me, I think I assume something about someone and then I look for corroborating evidence to prove that assumption right. And I usually don't realize I'm way off base until it's too late.
I'm famous for this.
It's frustrating and can have some really serious consequences.
It's like the honeymoon phase of a relationship--we tend to ignore or are blind to those things that should raise a flag or--at least-- annoy us enough to tell us, "pay attention to this--you won't be able to live with this later." Or "This is going to be detrimental to you or them or your relationship later..."
I think an old street-beaten cop would call this a *hunch.*
And I just don't always listen to my hunches.
But I'm starting to.
I think I'm being called to make some changes within myself and it's scary.
I hate change and I especially hate painful or hard change.
I've tried in the past with my weight, but this is a different, far more important kind of change. I need to change my insides.
I feel God calling me to get the crap out of my life so that I can see things clearer. You know the verse that says to get the plank out of your own eye before you worry about the speck in your brother's? Yeah. That kind of change.
I see a lot of specks that I feel burdened to address, but I don't think I'm in a place to do that the way I'm supposed to--lovingly and in good conscience--if I am blinded by this 2x4 in my own eye.
Sometimes living in this world feels awful. With all of the good, the bad is often so suffocating. The older I get (and maybe a smidge wiser) I realize just how ensnared and confused most people are. Nothing is easy or simple. And people are always so willing to put their own spin on things-especially "right" and "wrong" and some people are so intellectual and articulate that they will spend an eternity convinced--and convincing others--that they know more and understand better than others. Some people think that if you talk at someone long enough and "get down on their level"--very insulting I might add--that eventually you too will have your eyes opened and see that they are "right."
No matter how *nice* a person is, if they are totally lost in their thinking, yet intelligent enough to convince themselves and others that their's is the correct/valid/right way of thinking/believing...they are dangerous. I have been in contact with too many people like this--whether they intend to be this way or not--to pretend I don't get that gut feeling when I do.
And I have it in spades right now.
I have for a while, but confrontation is never pleasant. Especially if you feel like you're alone in a sea of conformity.
John 15:18 kept going through my mind last night: "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first."
Speaking the truth in a place where someone doesn't want to hear it is usually a sticky situation. And--I think worse--speaking the truth to someone when they believe they have a corner on the truth is hard, at best. And you have to consider, "Is it worth it?"
Will it be falling on deaf ears? Are they open to hearing you? Will it only add fuel to the fire? Is it better to keep quiet or is it your obligation to speak the truth in light of someone's blatant and obvious misunderstanding/misalignment of the truth? And the fact that they are leading others down that path with their charisma and intelligence?
I dunno. Still trying to figure that one out.
Maybe we are obligated to speak the truth...as long as we wait for direction from God for the right timing and the right words.
And when do you know if it's the right time?? Arrrgh?!
SO there it is...I'm sure it doesn't make sense, but it's kept me up all night. It's not as fun as board and batten or as funny as some of the other things I post about, but it's consuming my thinking right now.
And now it can wiggle around in your head too. ;)