Joe and I have done one of our usual, quirky things that "we do."
We started watching a new series. We're always about 2-3 years behind everyone else on these things.
We started watching Dexter Season 1 a few weeks ago.
As we did with Lost...we have systematically OD'd on several episodes a night because we can't get enough.
Each episode and season blends into the next.
I am completely, utterly entranced by this show.
I never would have thought that I'd love a serial killer...er, show...but it is enthralling.
He is a lovable serial killer if there ever was one.
Anyway...even though it's all fiction...I can't help but become emotionally invested in the show and the characters.
Dexter...H-O-T. Need I say more?
Deb...for crying out loud would someone give her a sandwich a protein shake?
LaGuerta & Batista...I could live another day without hearing their incessant rolling "R's"
And...the rest of the ensemble.
Every show has me waiting for the next.
And also thinking about this cesspool of humanity we live in where you have to lock your doors at all times, never let your kids out of your sight, don't be kind to strangers because that might make you their next victim, etc, etc...
I have anxiety. We all know this.
It's become my own Dark Passenger.
It's the friend that lies awake with me at night rehearsing what I would do in the event of a fire.
I remind myself that the front door is locked AND chained. So, in the panic and disorientation of the moment, I have to remember to unchain it before throwing it open.
I think about how I would carry all the kids if I had to and who I would take and who Joe would take.
What if the fire is at the top of the stairs? Whose window would we try to climb out of?
What about if there's a fire at school and thats the last time I see one of my kids?
What if there is a horrible accident while I'm driving them and that's curtains for us?
How would I leave my kids? Well...that part would be easy if I died, but what I mean is...what would happen to my family if something happened to me.
Or.....the unthinkable........what would I do if I lost one of them.
And now the fear is rising in mt throat.
I can feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes and I know that if I allowed it, I would burst into tears right this very moment.
Yes. This is my daily life.
Almost every moment is like this...a bubbling cauldron of emotion and fear simmering just below the surface.
I think about how terrifying it is to not know when your last moment on this earth will be. Or your kids'.
So, I try to live in the moment as much as possible because we all know how quickly time passes and the babies grow up.
That in itself is exhausting. Living in the moment all the time.
So....I am doing my best to live with this and take deep breaths and remind myself that God is in control.
But...well, you all know I'm a wee bit of a control freak. Ahem.
And 100% Neurotic.
But I imagine I'm not alone in this. I imagine lots of parents feel this way...worrying about their babies.
Did I mention that I have Impetigo again?
This time, it's not from stress, but from stupidity.
I used an old chapstick.
Apparently the Herpes virus and cockroaches will be the only survivors of a nuclear holocaust.
So...on that happy note, I leave you. I have lots of DIY plans for this week. We'll see how many I get done. ;-)