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Monday, May 16, 2011

Marathons: Cool; Food: Bad.

Blogger has been giving me some grief lately, so it's been a week since my last post. I feel like I'm in confession.

Joe ran the half marathon yesterday. He would have run the full, but with the baby being born in January and then the whole crappy job loss/change, there just wasn't time to train like he'd need to.

He says he "only ran the half." As if 13.1 miles is the same as running around the block.

I'm winded just running up the stairs.

I love race day. It was especially exciting this year because my sister Missy (Hi, Miss!) kept the kids at home so I could go downtown with Joe unencumbered.

It was dreamy.

Not that I didn't miss the kids or wish they were there to see their dad accomplish this amazing feat, but it was nice  not having my head on a swivel doing constant head counts, maneuvering strollers in and out of throngs of people, walking ridiculous distances to the tune of whining and grumping, and--my personal favorite--kids using port-o-potties. I wore my mp3 player and planned to just zone out for the 2 hours it would take Joe to run.

Luckily, my father-in-law met me down there and I was able to have 2 uninterrupted hours of adult conversation with him. How nice to just shoot the breeze.

I always get so emotional at races-especially ones so high profile.

The energy at these events is palpable. Runners have such a community about them. Everyone cheers for everyone. I love to see someone struggling, and then when they hear the cheering and clapping of the crowd, and the encouraging words of "you're almost there!" or "you got this!" watch that struggling runner pick up speed and give it their all. *sigh* Gets me all misty.

That nervous anticipation of waiting for Joe, not quite knowing exactly when to expect him, is so fun. Then, when we catch a glimpse of him, it's such a rush--for him and us. Even though it's only a split second that he passes us, it's worth the hours of waiting to see his face light up.

I spent the whole morning texting people play-by-plays.

Seeing all those runners in tip top shape did a lot to boost my desire for maintaining this diet too.

It's not been easy. I've fallen off a couple cliffs lately.

After the race yesterday, we had a combined good-job-Joe-&-bday-party-for-our-2-oldest BBQ. We had so much food.

Chicken. burgers, dogs, salads, desserts...you get the idea.

I fore-went (is that even a word) the Jenny cuisine and had a burger, some potato salad, roasted red potatoes (a little meat with my starches), cole slaw, baked beans.......my my my.

For my finale, I had a piece of chocolate cake.

And a couple glasses of wine. Eeeek!

Wait...there may have been a cookie in there somewhere.

We'll see just how badly that hurts me tomorrow when I weigh in.

I'm a little nervous. I feel like a little kid confessing to breaking the lamp when I tell my counselor that I went off the wagon.

But I've decided that I can't wait to meet my goal weight for yet another reason.

I am SO SICK AND TIRED of constantly thinking about my weight, about my body.

It consumes my every thought.

From "oh, I can't have that" or "Gosh I wish I could have that" to calculating my calories eaten and burned or mentally ripping myself a new one because I hate how I look and feel...I'm so sick of thinking about it. It definitely should serve as a permanent reminder about why it's so important to eat in moderation and to eat healthy the majority of the time.

I love food. Period.

Unfortunately, I associate food with happy times.

Get a new job? Let's celebrate by going out to dinner.

Go on a date night? Let's grab appetizers and drinks before the movie.

Friends in town? How about grabbing dinner.

Family dinners at the in-laws every week? Well...it's family dinner for cryin out loud. It's all about eating.

I don't want to be a calorie nazi. I don't want to be the food gestapo. I just want to enjoy life and feel good in my body.

Is that ever going to be possible or will this albatross be around my neck forever? Will eating always be wrapped up with guilt if I indulge in the "naughty" things that I love so much...but are oh so bad for me?

I don't know! Those are all rhetorical questions.

I'm assuming that it will be better once I meet my goal weight because at least I'll look better. But I'm not sure I will ever be able to fully relax around food again. And the worst part about that? I did that to myself.

Now there's "food" for thought.
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