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Thursday, July 29, 2010

Warning...This Post Is Of A Delicate Nature =)

I open this with a sincere warning to all family and friends who do not want TMI of mine or Joe's more personal life to exit stage right at this moment. Don't worry...it's not about S-E-X. At least, not directly.

I mean it...the following may make you enormously uncomfortable, but since it made me cry hysterically with laughter, I had to share with all of you...er, minus my mom...and my mother-in-law...and my sister-in-law....um and anyone from my church who may find this inappropriate. Okay,  you get the idea.

Still here? You're along for the ride? Okay, Welp, I warned ya...

This afternoon Joe found himself in the basement with a little extra time on his hands and the clippers staring him in the face. So, like any red blooded, hairy, Italian man, he decided the best thing to do would be to trim things up. You know *ahem* downstairs. He came back upstairs a few minutes later, all proud of himself for "cleaning things up" and proudly showed me his handy work. (Psst, Note to Joe: do not show handiwork in front of a wall of windows in our sunroom.) I oohed and ahhed for a few moments admiring his steady hand and precision skill with the clippers.

And then we went about our day.

Fast forward to this afternoon when Joe calls me from work to tell me that he may have gotten a bit "ambitious" when he cultivated his "manscaping" and could possibly have "nicked something on the undercarriage." He said, "You know that feeling when you just don't feel good and you wander around in your own little world? Well, that's where I am." He said he tried baby powder thinking that might quell the sting, but to no avail.

Anything he said after that is lost as I couldn't hear him any longer over my howling. Even as I tried to type this I had to stop for fits of hysterical laughter. Please tell me someone out there is laughing with me. I'm sure every man on the planet is cringing, protectively covering the jewels and nodding in understanding. Me? I'm doubled over. I know that may seem cold, but if you know me well, you would expect nothing less.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Project Mom Casting Call?

Me-in all my daily glory
I just stumbled upon this by watching one of my all-time faves Lori at Mommyfriend.com . I watched a couple other auditions and immediately my juices got to flowin thinking about the idea of entering. And then the sweat got to flowin because I always chicken out of things like that. I talk myself right out of it. Who needs a heckler in the audience when I have the voice in my head?

The idea of this casting call (I think) is to pick a mom (or moms? I'm not very good at reading the fine print) to make a show about. Pardon me if I just totally butchered the entire premise of the contest. "They" are looking for a mom who blogs. Okay, I fit the bill, even though I have taken a little snooze of late on the funny posts.

I think there may be a tiny problem, though. One look into my daily life and it may switch from a documentary type show on blogging moms to an episode of Intervention or Super Nanny. No drugs or alcohol here, just plain craziness and insanity. I mean, I'm hardly sitting in the corner talking to myself and drooling, but it can get pretty hairy. Who wants to see that? Who wants to see me in my sweats cleaning up E's pee off the hardwood for the umpteenth time, picking up the playroom...again, or repeating the same handful of phrases I repeat on a daily (hourly?) basis: "No hitting" "Share!" "Put your pee pee away" "STOP YELLING!" and "Please get off your brother's head!" Would you tune in for that? Actually, maybe you would. It might make your daily craziness seem completely sane and logical. =) I guess we all have a part to play, right?

If I were to take the leap, what would I do for my audition? Should I keep it real and have the day-old makeup smeared under my eyes, the rat's nest pony tail, and the inevitable booger on my shoulder? Should I glam up and pretend I always look so fab? Should I let E be in the background yelling at me to give her a bottle and R with his customary hand down the pants? Should I have a maid come in so I can give the illusion that my house is always clean? Nah, that's getting a bit ridiculous. I'll just go to my friend's house--it's always immaculate.

What do you think? Is a show about a blogging mom one you would watch? I know what my bloggy mom friends would say!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Holy Headaches, Batman! E's Peeing On The Floor Again!

I just started seriously trying to potty train our 2 1/2 year old daughter. I don't know why I'm in such a hurry with her when our oldest was almost 4 before he got it. People keep telling me that she probably won't walk down the aisle of graduation with a diaper on or a bottle in her mouth, and I'm pretty sure they're right, but I stress about it nonetheless.

Oh yeah, we caved in on the whole bottle thing. I'm weak. I suck. I totally admit it. She stopped going down for naps or bedtime without a fight and even then she would wake up an hour or so later screaming. This went on for a little more than 2 weeks. I decided I didn't care if I had to buy her a car, I was going to sleep the night through. So, Jesus Fed Ex'd her bottles back from Heaven and we all had a restful night's sleep.

I'm really wondering if she is ready, though, for this potty training business. I'm not convinced that she's even aware when she is peeing. She'll be standing playing at the train table and whizzing all the while without so much as a flinch. It's only when her brother yells, "E's peeing!" that she even reacts. I have scrubbed pee out of three different rooms on 5 different occasions today. I'm already over the whole thing. I simply do not have the patience for this. I made the poor girl sit on the potty until she had red marks from the seat, and she still peed all over the house! Maybe we'll wait a bit longer? Isn't this the whole reason we claim we don't have a pet?

On top of that, I have been having these headaches for the past few days. I actually think it's one drawn-out headache that ebbs and flows. It aches in my neck, shoulders, and head. I desperately need a massage! A chiropractor's visit would be Heavenly!

Did any of you mommy readers have headaches during your pregnancy? These ones I'm having sometimes turn into a migraine. I have had headaches with each pregnancy, but #5 seems to be kicking my butt!

Friday, July 16, 2010

That's What I Get For Surfing The 'Net

Click HERE for photo credit
And here we are again. Just you and me chatting over the ambient light of the computer monitor. Joe's working late, the kids are in bed, and no matter how many times I tell myself I can't wait to tuck them in, I always feel a little lonely afterward.

Have you ever surfed online and stumbled over one of those complaint boards? Has it ever been a bunch of miserable people complaining about a company or product you love? That happened to me tonight.

Usually I am the miserable S.O.B. complaining about some wrong done to me, but tonight I found myself championing the company they were verbally ripping to shreds. I had a beautiful and eloquent response all written when I chickened out at the last minute. I just can't stand those replies to my reply that are mean.

Reading some of these responses got me to thinking about a few things, in no particular order: spell check, grammar usage, and common sense.

Far too many people fire off an angry email without bothering to use spell/grammar check. Big mistake. One misspelled word? Forgivable. A paragraph riddled with them? Heinous. You immediately lose credibility in my eyes. Especially when you are complaining about a college and how uneducated the instructors are and why you can't understand the bad grades you received.

Grammar mistakes? They make me cringe, but one or two...whatever. So many that all I end up focusing on is your horrible assault on the American language and I've already forgotten what you were trying to say. I had some not-so-nice responses on my facebook page when my status update said something about the 'groups' on facebook needing to use grammar check. One reply was, "Well, no buddy's perfect, Mandy." [sic] I could not make this stuff up! I'd like to laugh and think it was a pun, but I think I know better. No, nobody is perfect, but if you're going to name a GROUP on facebook, (with the title "IF I SPOKEN TO MY PARENTS HOW KIDS TALK NOW DAYS I`D BEEN KNOCKED OUT") Really? Cuz I don't think you're doin such a hot job of 'spoken' now. Just run spell check/grammar check before you throw that out there. Seriously. Pet peeve. Amazingly it has over 2.3 MILLION "likes"! I guess I'm the only one who cares.

Common sense. Ahhh, that thing that you either have or you don't. One moaner on the site complained that the FA department of this college told her to go ahead and "apply for the full loan amount just in case you don't get enough grants." She said she couldn't afford the whole amount in loans, but the FA person said she "looked good" for the grants, so she applied for the whole amount...AND THEN COMPLAINED WHEN SHE DIDN'T GET ENOUGH GRANTS AND HAD TO PAY BACK THE LOAN. While I may not agree with the FA advisor's advice, this girl certainly didn't have her arm twisted to sign her John Hancock on these loan apps. And referring back to my earlier rant about spell and grammar check, if you're going to fire off a heated dispute about a company and call them 'ignorant,' 'uneducated' and other things along those lines, for the love of God, at least make sure you aren't butchering every spelling and grammar rule ever created. Don't pepper your 7 paragraphs of venom with commas anywhere and everywhere. Blaming the school because your syllabus didn't download completely and you missed assignments? Really? Being angry because no one answered your "What am I missing?" posts...YOU didn't even know what you were missing...how was ANYONE ELSE supposed to know??

I swear, this stuff is real. Maybe I'm the only one with a corn cob up the derriere because of it? I just think: Take some responsibility. Own up to your part in the situation. Quit expecting everything to always go your way. And for God's sake...spell/grammar check your responses!

Now, after a few minutes to reflect, I realize that I have expended a good bit of energy on such a silly topic. And I apologize for that if it annoys you. Maybe you can go blog about me now and how you're tired of reading blogs about people whining about BLAH BLAH BLAH... See?

There have to be things that annoy you? Let me have 'em. I can handle it. Well...as long as I am not the subject. If that's the case, keep it to yourself and go about your life.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

"And In This Corner..." Do You Fight Fair?

*Google Images
Not too much going on around here (said somewhat tongue-in-cheek, as there's always something going on here...) I've finished school for now, and I find myself with a little extra time and "nothing" to do with myself (ignoring, of course, the mounds of laundry, the dirty dishes, pieces of bread and butter the baby threw on the floor at lunch, and the congealed pee my 4 and 5 year old boys left on the bathroom floor--who needs air freshener when we have organic "Urine Bouquet"?) so here I sit ticker-tapping on my keyboard.

I miss you all.

I haven't been really present on the ole' blog for quite some time. When I re-read recent posts, I grimace and think "oh my gosh...I am so bitter." Not really. Okay, not all the time, but lately I tend to be missing the humor in most things and focusing on the frustrating. I like to say, "Really, I'm not a whiny person..." but I guess I kind of am. Ew.

Just ask Joe. He'll tell you. Ha Ha Ha. [nervous laugh]

*ahem*

Speaking of Joe...is your husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/significant other like this?

Joe and I can be in the middle of the worst knock-down-drag-out battle royale of the century, complete with yelling, name-calling, and references to hurts caused by the other during the Reagan administration, when Joe can walk out of the room (which leaves me fuming, of course) and then walk back in and pretend like nothing is wrong. How does that happen?? I stew. I plot. I think about my next comeback and may even [possibly] goad him into a certain subject just so that I can spring the little number on him. And if he gets a zinger on me? Well, naturally, I cry. As much as I hate it, I'm emotional and crying happens. Even when I am so peeved that I could squeeze coal into a diamond, tears spring up. It's infuriating. It only makes me madder,which- you guessed it-only makes me cry more.

It's about this time when Joe says, "Oh, what? You're crying?" Said with a little disgust.

And then it's on.

He pushes my buttons. I push his. All buttons are pushed. Family members are discussed. Ugliness takes place. Dishes may or may not be broken. Then, we go our separate ways to sulk.

Aaaaaaaand in about 60 minutes we reconvene and watch a movie.

We do often discuss again and go over the finer points--bullets, if you will--of the earlier argument so that we can hash it out with less emotion, but then we watch a good flick. And then we laugh about how ridiculous we are. Because, boy are we! Not like Jerry Springer, dysfunctional, but dysfunctional nonetheless. We are a picture of dysfunction that is functional, if that makes any sense.

What about you? How do you fight? Do you fight fair? Do you lump every issue including the kitchen sink into your arguments? Please tell me you break things too others handle their anger in an improper fashion at times too so that I don't feel totally out of control. I mean, I've never actually thrown things at Joe. Well, I mean, except that one time, but...no, never mind. That's too long to get into. And possibly too incriminating.

Monday, July 12, 2010

About Last Night...

*Google Images
Last night was one of those crazy, sleepless nights that families have from time to time. Unfortunately, we have them pretty often. We usually have at least 1 of our kids in bed with us every night, from about midnight on. We hear them tip toe in the room and then a whispered, "Mommy!" or "Daddy!" Thankfully we have a king-sized bed, so we fit [somewhat] comfortably.

Last night was a douzy.

First was L (4 yr old) who came in to snuggle with daddy. That's pretty typical. Next, M (1 yr old) woke up crying which is NOT typical. We think he has some teeth coming in. I lazily sent Joe in to handle the situation, but after 5 minutes of hearing the crying get worse, and my sideline coaching "Just give him a bottle! Change him!" wasn't working, I got up and went to see for myself. We brought him in bed with us only to have him think it was play time and crawl all over the place. His giggling, while cute, isn't what I want to hear at 4 AM.

We put him in the pack & play in our room, but he kept standing up and grabbing Joe's feet. Once he fell over and cried more. We decided enough was enough and put him back in his own room. He kept crying. That woke up R (5 yr old) who came into bed with us. L decided he'd had enough and went back to his own bed. It was at this moment that E (2 yr old) woke up and cried for daddy. Into bed with us she came.

Finally, we all drifted off to a fitful sleep.

I wish we had video I could play in fast forward with some crazy old movie style music for you. But then, you'd have to see the unflattering pajamas I wear to bed.

And the truth is...I know this time will be over all too soon and I will wish I had them all home snuggled in my bed again. I'm enjoying it while I can!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

While I'm On My Soap Box...

* Google Images
I've discovered a few things about myself the past few days. Actually, I think I've always known this, but it's just become more apparent.

I've come to the conclusion that not everyone responds the same as me in any given situation (rocket science, right?) That may sound so simple and obvious, but it still never ceases to amaze me how selfish and thoughtless some people can be. Where I give to the point of it being at my own expense at times (although hardly perfectly in every situation), I see just as much of others who give only up until it becomes an inconvenience to them. Which is better? I'm sure there's an in-between there, but I can't stand to see this sense of entitlement that some carry around, this "the world owes me" attitude. It usually goes hand-in-hand with the "bending the rules is okay as long as no one finds out" mentality or, my favorite, "a little white lie doesn't hurt anyone."

Maybe I'm just a strange breed. Maybe I'm just from a different mold. I actually believe in reaching out, giving even if it's an incovenience at times, telling the truth, and trying to actually live the Golden Rule. I hope my kids will carry on those same "strange" characteristics. I think we'd be in a whole better place as a world and as a community if we embraced these types of platitudes a little more, myself included, as Lord knows I'm faaaaaaar from perfect. Not "what's in it for me?" but "What can I do?"

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Down In The Dumps

Ever had one of those times where it feels like for every step forward you take, you get knocked back 10? I am right now.

I'm so happy because classes have officially ended for me in the bachelors program. Super exciting! It's only been 15 years in the making. Grad classes start at the end of this month!

And then Joe and I found the house of our dreams. It's perfect (aside from the tiny fact that it's next door to a funeral home, but we'll overlook that...) It has huge rooms, old charm, amazing woodwork, a huge yard, an out-of-this-world kitchen, and is mere steps from good friends...really we couldn't have hand picked a better place. It's about 100 years old so the history is awesome (and I choose not to think any of that history is sticking around inside those 4 walls, if you know what I mean...) The downside? This freakin economy. The housing crisis which still exists to be a pain in my arse.

Long story short...banks are incredibly hesitant (READ: scared) to loan money to anyone short of a perfect FICO score. If they do choose to loan money, you need almost the entire purchase price down at closing. If we had that kind of money, we would buy the house outright. Obviously I'm embellishing a bit. Out of frustration. There are so many balls to juggle when selling and buying a house. First, we have no idea how long our house will take to sell. Could be a week (or 2 weeks like our last house) or it could be a year (yikes!) We can't exactly keep a seller up in the air waiting for our house to sell.

So what's the answer? Sell the house and rent until we find a house? Most places around here that would fit a family of 6 (soon to be 7) are just as expensive as mortgage--or more so! SO, has anyone out there done this before? Found a house they truly love and so many obstacles stand in the way? Let me know your story. I need some encouragement!

*Google IMages
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