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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

10 Ways to Be Super Annoying and Self Involved

I just updated my Facebook status to read: "Today may be the day my head actually blows off my shoulders."

And I mean that.

Yes, I know pregnancy hormones are a bi-otch, but this is ridiculous. I have been in a self-imposed cave for the better part of a week now because I am sick to death of stress and those who cause it. Those things that I can usually just let roll off my back with minimal aggravation are recently making my blood pressure rise, my face get hot, and my belly to "squeeze." In the interest of my unborn child (who is swimming around in all that anxiety induced gastric acid) and myself (who has been awakened each night with toxic acid reflux that sends me to the bathroom afraid I'm going to toss my cookies), and my children (who could probably sympathize with little Chritsina Crawford during Mommy Dearest's wire hanger tirade) I am trying to avoid the world at large in hopes of avoiding--or at least alleviating-- the stressses.

So far it's not really working.

The stresses find me. Aggravating people who think they don't have to play by the rules we all play by are popping out of the wood work. I've been thinking of these people and I've come up with some things they all seem to have in common. Below is my non-exhaustive list:

Ways to Be Super Annoying and self-involved

1. Believe (and let it be known that you believe) that your time is far more valuable than everyone else's, That means, stand in the middle of the doorway, hallway or sidewalk when you see others coming--especially a pregnant woman pushing a double stroller with 2 children tagging along. or Chat it up with someone who is in their car, in the middle of the parking lot, while someone else waits to pull in or park.

2. Ignore messages/emails asking questions, but continue to post status updates and comment on others' posts. When the person messaging you asks if you've gotten their messages, say "yep" and leave it at that.

3. Feel free to jump down others' throats when YOU misunderstand what the other person said--and then excuse yourself for doing so because you have a lot of "stuff" going on in your life. Because, clearly, you're the only one who has "stuff" happening...

4. Lick your fingers before touching every donut in the case at the bakery/supermarket. And then choose the 17th one you've touched. This one may lose you a hand.

5. Tell a pregnant woman that she is "so much bigger than so-and-so who is due at the same exact time..." This one may also lose you a hand OR another important extremity.

6. Totally take advantage of a friend who has bent over backwards for you over the past 9 years and do your best to work your voodoo (you know, that crap you peddle as motivation) so that they actually believe you were right for taking advantage of them. In fact, make them believe that they OWED it to you to let you take advantage of them. (That's right, there are people out there who think this way...)

7. Complain about something nice someone did for you UNASKED and for FREE.

8. Tell people you "don't have time" to check your email/voicemails, etc when you KNOW they have been trying desperately to get ahold of you for something important.

9. Tell a pregnant woman that she is too crabby and should stop complaining.

10. Post status updates about your life that are either 1) "nobody loves me and everybody hates me" or 2) "My life is perfect, my house is spotless, my kids are angels, and I just made lasagna from scratch, 3 apple pies, and ran 12 miles."

I realize writing a blog post about being annoyed could also fall on this list, but, well, it's my blog, so whatev.

Sorry for being Debbie Downer today. Please forgive me. I will try my best to be back to a jovial mood soon.
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