Tuesday, June 22, 2010

I'm On A Mission, Y'all

For the past several months I have been struggling to maintain this blog. I have gone dry, so to speak, and have trouble finding my muse.

I blamed it on being busy, the kids, and finding out I'm pregnant, babysitting, etc, etc.

But the truth is, when I first started writing this, I was on fire. I know none of you read waaay back then, but that's okay. It was between me and the random 2 people a month who stumbled across it when they surfed Blogger. I was fearless then because I didn't know anyone reading it. Now, with 138 known readers and the unknown amount who tune in, I find that I am held back by one thing: fear. That ugly monster who gnaws away at you at night and makes you second guess everything.

I had the first taste of it when I started publishing it on facebook. It was terrifying. I would literally break out in a cold sweat thinking about my personal thoughts being out there for anyone and everyone, but worst of friends and family. These are the people who I interact with on a daily basis. The people who knew me "when" and what would they possibly think of me while I was sharing the sage and wonderful wisdom I was encountering in my Bible reading. My facebook page says, "Christian, not ashamed" in the info section, but the truth is, I am afraid. Moreso, I am petrified.

I want to be liked. I want to be understood. I want to fit in. And that means (in my twisted and warped thinking) that means that I don't stand out or rock the boat. It means that I don't say things that could offend or upset others. It also means that surely I don't share things that I have experienced or gone through that may cause others to look down on me or think less of me. Things that could embarrass me. Ah ha! So the culprits are fear and pride. Two deadly ingredients.

So, I have been feeling more convicted lately that I have a job to do and this blog is the way I am to do it. Or one way, at least. Stay with me friends, it could get interesting.

I'm not a fanatic. I don't drink koolaid, and I don't handle snakes, so you can rest assured that I am truly like you (well, maybe not YOU, but you and you *pointing*).

I'm ready. I think. Are you?

Some who know me know most of this about me already. Some of you know all of it. And some of you know none of it and may raise an eyebrow or two. But that's okay. We can use the things we experience to help others, right? So, who knows, maybe this crazy journey I call my life can be helpful to someone else.

And to family and friends (who shall remain nameless) if anything upsets or angers you that I may share. I apologize for that, but I think this is the direction my writing is supposed to head...Real. True. Relevant.

Stay tuned for the new (and improved ?) REAL MandyP!
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