Mary The Mommyologist has so inspired me to write this post. Her new monthly meme "Mom Sexy" has struck a chord in me. I wrote a post HERE telling you about a recent shopping trip I took. Let me dive in a little deeper to tell you all the sordid details surrounding it.
For those who don't know...I have been pregnant for most of the past 5 years. I had babies in May 2005, May 2006, December 2007, and then again in June 2009. My maternity clothes were my everyday clothes for so long that most of them fell apart (no joke!) from wearing them so much. I was super bummed about it until someone pointed out that maternity clothes are designed to be worn for a few months max. Suddenly, it made sense. I had been wearing them--literally--for years!
This may be the longest stretch of time (since 2005) that I haven't been pregnant. I think everyone is waiting for our announcement any time, but there will be none...at least I don't think so. HA!
That brings me to my shopping trip. I kept putting on the same things every time I stood in front of my closet and every time, nothing fit (or looked flattering, at least.) Those times in front of the closet were, by far, the most deflating. I obsessed with that number on the tag. If I couldn't fit into the number I wore before getting pregnant in 2005, I felt like a failure. I hated myself (and would say so to myself in the mirror over and over.)
After having the first, second, and third babies my weight yo-yo'd up and down. I would gain 30 lbs with the pregnancy-then lose 40-then gain it all back with the next pregnancy--then lose it again afterward...until now.
I am having the worst time losing this weight. I'm sure a big part of it is that I can't seem to force myself to exercise. This blog actually doesn't help since a lot of my free time is spent in this chair. That does NOTHING to improving the cottage cheesey appearance of the tush.
I have been MISERABLE the past few weeks. I have wrapped up my worth in that darn size on the tag. I started wearing only jeans, sweats, and frumpy clothes. I stopped wearing makeup and fun jewelry. I showered, but that was about it. No primping. It did a number on my head and did nothing to make poor Joe feel good. I was stuck in a rut. I daresay I was borderline depressed.
And then some things started to happen...
I made a mental shift. I say that "I" did, but I believe wholeheartedly that God heard my desperate prayers to feel attractive again. I made a decision to go shopping and buy clothes that fit me and looked nice rather than obsess over the items that were not the size I deemed the "right" size. Stacy London and Clinton Kelly would have been so proud!
Yes, it was a whirlwind shopping trip. I had all 4 kids with me and that just made it all the more challenging. I grabbed things off the rack that were bigger than I have EVER bought before. It was such a mental hurdle to get over, but I knew that I would feel so much better if the clothes actually fit then if they were the "right" size. Unfortunately, I still couldn't try on in the store, so I just bought and took them home. I was so scared to try on for fear that they wouldn't fit and I would be devastated.
All because I've decided that a number is not going to control how I feel and how I treat my husband. Would I love to be to my pre-pregnancy weight? Absolutely! Heck, would I love to be back to a single-digit size? You bet! BUT...my worth is not wrapped up in that number.
It's been liberating. It's been freeing beyond measure.
I will get back to a lesser weight because I want to be healthy and active, not because I'll hate myself until then. I have 4 crazy kids who need me to take the best care of myself that I can. And in the mean time...the "mean time" being this insane life that we lead where someone always needs me for something and my "me time" is few and far between...I will just savor this time with my kids, do my best to eat healthy and squeeze in some exercise, and love my husband. The guy who loves me for who I am...not the size I wear.