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Sunday, January 3, 2010

The Heart Of The Matter

As I write this, I have my editor-in-chief on my lap. My editor-in-chief, of course is my youngest son M (that's M with me--->)
He's trying to wrestle himself out of my arms to grab the keyboard. Maybe he has a future as a blogger as well?! If there's anything in this post that you don't like, that's the part M typed. That's my story.

I wanted to get this posted earlier, but I decided to take a break for the day. The hubbs was off today and I needed to pay some attention to him and the kids. He's starting to feel like a "blog widower" and my rear couldn't take anymore time logged in this office chair, so I decided to give my husband and my butt a much needed break from the computer.
I assume that one of two things is going to happen: the shine will wear off this blogging thing sooner or later or it could grow increasingly worse. I hope it doesn't get worse. I actually dreamed about the word "blog" last night and all its variations; blog, blogger, blogging, etc... True story.

Maybe I should seek professional help or a support group?

Soooo, what incredibly funny or witty thing can I write about today? Oh the pressure. I was thinking about this today on my way to church and I think God put something on my heart. I started writing here as a way to record what I am learning in Bible study. Somehow, that turned into me rambling on about odd and inconsequential things that took place in my day. I think I need a better mix-a happy medium, if you will.

There's something on my mind that I feel is just waiting to burst forth of its own accord if I don't get it out. I've talked before about wanting to be real, transparent. It's so freeing and so horrifying all at the same time. I'm tired of putting on my painted smile (to borrow a phrase from Casting Crowns) and allowing the world to think everything's great. It's hard enough to wear the hats of wife, mom, sister, friend, daughter, student, and employee without wearing the hat of saint. Not only is it unrealistic, but- to be truthful- I really stink at it. It's not that I want to air my dirty laundry or put so much out there that it's a turn off, but I just want the freedom to be me. Mandy. Imperfect. The girl who is sometimes crabby, sometimes lazy, sometimes cowardly, sometimes opinionated, sometimes wrong, sometimes ridiculous, sometimes unreasonable...but always real.

Please don't misconstrue this as me granting myself license to say, do, be, or act any way I choose. On the contrary, I want to be real so that I can grow into the person God has planned for me to be. I'm a little bit tired of saying, "Hold it right there, Lord. I'll take it from here," because, when I do that, it always ends up like the painting job in my dining room. What does that mean, you ask? Allow me to explain...

Every so often I get the great idea to take on a home improvement project. This is definitely born of my obsession with HGTV. My desire and enthusiasm often overshadow my lack of ability, and I am the definition of insanity, personified. You know: The definition of insanity is when you keep doing the same thing while expecting a different outcome every time. It should read like this in the dictionary: Insanity (n): Repeating the same action while expecting a different outcome; Mandy P. (followed by my picture.)

So, I set out to paint our dining room. Mine is not a very steady hand. I don't really like using painter's tape, either. So where does that leave me? It leaves me with a crappy paint job. No matter how many hours I spent "touching up" (I'm sure Michaelangelo spent less time "fine tuning" the Sistine Chapel), there is still a noticeable paint line from the top of the wall to the ceiling and random splotches of wall color on the ceiling. This has happened to me more times than I care to remember (or share) in other rooms of the house! Wouldn't you think I would learn after the first time? Nope.

Anywho...I digress...when I try to take the reins from God, it always turns out like my painting. I am not a professional, I don't prepare well, I don't listen, I run off all half-cocked, and then I wonder why it doesn't turn out right.

As a result, I'm going to be much more conscious of not writing simply to get a laugh or to get some "followers" (although that would be nice to have more than one. Especially when that one is my husband!) I am nothing and have nothing without God. That's first and foremost. As much as I love to hear how fabulous I am or how funny, etc...I can't let that take my focus off where it should be. However, please don't feel you can't say such things... Ha Ha! Sorry. Couldn't resist.

As an aside...I feel it necessary to say that just because I choose to make my thoughts, opinions and beliefs public, it does not mean that I think I am always right (nor am I looking for criticism, derrogatory remarks or debates.) Everyone is entitled to make up his or her mind about things. Posting here is simply a way for me to air my thoughts and maybe allow someone else to see that it's okay if you don't have it all figured out. It's okay if you don't make your own baby food or have meal charts, or laundry charts, or eat all organic food (although I, myself wish I was more like this!) It's okay if the laundry sometimes doubles as a climbing wall for your kids because it's piled so high or you have to occasionally do the "smell test" to determine if something is clean because you still haven't gotten to putting away the clean laundry from last week. It's okay if you don't feel like smiling and pretending everything is perfect. It's okay if you just want 5 stinking minutes alone to complete a thought or use the bathroom.  My point is that we need to let ourselves off the hook sometimes and just be who God wants us to be.

Alright. I am stepping down off my soap box now. I am done. Thank you for listening. Now, I am off to the grocery store because our cupboards look like Old Mother Hubbard's. See, if I were not being real, I would have signed off saying I was going to bake a roast, shampoo the carpets, sew clothing for my children, balance the national defecit and organize world peace-- all before dawn. But, I'm being real. So I am going to tell you the truth. And the truth may not sound as good, but it's all I got.

1 comment:

  1. love this! Great balance! I laughed, I cried, I shared! Your realness is refreshing in this world!

    ReplyDelete

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