Thursday, December 10, 2009


Do you ever have those times when you're thinking about something or a song keeps going through your head and then someone else mentions it or you read about it somewhere? It's like when you get a new car-one you hardly ever see another of on the road-and then all the sudden you see it everywhere? I have that a lot. Some would say that's coincidence. Serendipitous. I don't think that's the case, though.

Right now, it's Casting Crowns and Mark Hall (the lead singer.) I keep mentioning them, but I can't help it. Their songs and his books Lifestories and Your Own Jesus just really get to me. Every morning so far, since I started writing here, I wake up with a little bit of panic. Panic that someone-anyone-is going to see right inside my head and heart by what I write. Panic that I will be labeled. Panic that the opinions others have held of me will change and not for the "better." But then I tell myself that the voice I am hearing is fear and I know who tries to drive us by fear. God is not a God of fear, so it can't be anything good when I hear it whispering to me. You know that feeling you get when you are driving a little too fast and you pass a cop car? That rush of heat and the instinctual lunge for the brake? Well...that's what I feel almost every morning or everytime I think about someone reading this. Oh well...maybe I'm thinking about it too much. Just do it and don't think about anyone else reading it. Hmmm...

2 Chronicles 7:14. If My people who are called by My name humble themselves, and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from Heaven and will forgive their sins and heal their land.

Maybe it starts with one person. Me? Maybe if I humble myself enough to put these thoughts out there, someone else won't be as afraid to do the same. Who the heck am I trying to impress anyway? If I truly believe that God made me and He is calling me to act and speak and live in certain ways (and I do), why would I fight that? Pride. I want to be liked. I don't think most people wake up in the morning and say, " Let's see how many people I can get to dislike me today."

So...if anyone is reading this...bear with me. I'm kind of fighting with myself right now. I hope I win.

And now I smile because I just read the next chapter in Matthew. Ahhhhhh how cool that the very thing I opened with today about "coincidence" just happened in this very second.

Here's what my reading for today says:
"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in Heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you" (Matthew 5:11-12, NIV).

I am not jumping up and down and saying, "Please, be mean to me" but I know that it's to be expected and I will reap the benefits of it someday.

Matthew chapter 5 is a lot. It may take me a few days to get through all of it without just skimming it. One thing cool about the Bible, I can read the same chapters and verses a hundred times, but each time I can get a new meaning or it can pertain to my life with whatever I am going through right now. God bless Joe for being so amazing. I just called him at work to share all these random thoughts going through my head and he supports me. He may not completeky understand (it's like trying to share your favorite movie scene with someone who hasn't seen the movie-it's not as impactful as it was for you when you had full sound and vision of the scene) but he is so amazing in that he loves me for who I am; warts and all. (I'm very dispapointed that the emoticons appear not to be working today or else I would have put a big, fat smiley face right after that statement about Joe.)

So, anyway, it has taken me about two hours to put this together in between changing diapers, reading to Emmy, refereeing a few fights, and making lunch. I hope that somehow what I was really trying to say gets through...
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