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Thursday, December 10, 2009

Back on Track

Took a little mental vacation for a few days. Not happy about that since I feel it in many areas of my life when I do that; I am MUCH crabbier with Joe and the kids, I feel like I am coming down with something, and I don't stick to my goals like doing this study every day or not reading or listening to a bunch of crap.

I'm starting a new diet which only adds to my foul mood. I didn't realize how much my emotions are tied to food until I have to discipline myself away from the junk. I think it might be how people with nicotine addictions feel when they try to cut down. It gives me a new respect for those people. Instead of turning up my nose at them when I see them with a cigarette hanging out of their mouths, I will just sympathize with them now. It sucks.

Anyway...I went shopping at Wal Mart last night to get some yummy new Weight Watchers food (can't believe how much W W food there IS!) and I found myself at first reading a gossip mag at the checkout and then...buying...not ONE, but TWO of them! I am so disappointed in myself. I keep telling myself that I don't need or want to read about Lindsay Lohan's 90th trip to rehab or Tiger Woods' supposed affairs. It's none of my business and it does nothing to help me and my family. So whay did I do it? Maybe for the same reasons Paul said, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do I do" (Romans 7:15). It's a puzzle. It's frustrating!

Then, on my way home, I listened to my fave band. There's a song called Somewhere in the Middle. Here are the lyrics:

Somewhere In The Middle"

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle


So...that's me...wading in the shallow end. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. After all, even one of the (arguably) most powerful evengelists of all time struggled with this (Paul).

I just stared out the window at Joe leaving for work. The snow is spitting here. It's big, fat, while flakes and so pretty. I feel good today and I wish I could just click 'pause' on this feeling. I know that it will wax and wane throughout the day, but right now it's good. Sorry for waxing poetic.Just how I feel.

Back to the study in Matthew tomorrow. Just wanted to put this in writing before it changes or I forget.
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