Takes Me Back

 Fall is officially on its way. It didn't seem like it just a few days ago when it was almost 100 degrees.

I caught a magnificent breeze the other day while driving and it stopped me for a minute. It took me back to when I met Joe. Which is weird considering I met Joe in June, but whatever.

Isn't it amazing how things can do that to you? Hear a certain song and there you are again at the 8th grade dance or with your first high school crush. Smell a certain scent and feel that rush of memories from a specific time in your life.

That's what happened to me the other day. It took me back to the butterflies in my stomach. The excitement of starting a new life for myself. I had just moved out on my own--for the first time EVER, I might add--from a 4 year marriage (8 year relationship) that ended very badly, although we are still civil to one another today.

It was so sad and so liberating. I was delirious with the prospects for the future and who I was as a person outside of the depressing, lonely life I had been leading. The life that left me feeling like a failure, like the ugliest woman alive, like a private detective.

And in walked Joe.

Well, actually in walked me. Into the bar. That's right, I said it. We met in a bar. It was one that I used to go to a lot with coworkers for Happy Hour. That's actually where I started tearin' up the mic on Friday nights for karaoke. Oh? didn't know that about me? 

Joe was the DJ. He had just moved back from California and was helping out with his brother-in-law's DJ business. My friend Stacey and I were there for my 24th birthday celebratory karaoke round and Joe played Happy Birthday for me while the bar sang along. Good times. Joe still recalls to this day that I had an enormous corsage on my wrist (compliments of Stace) but by the end of the night, it was around my ankle. One too many glasses of white zin.

I kept seeing Joe every Friday from then on and we started chatting. He told me he had just moved back and that he liked his apartment (since I was suddenly in the market) and I went to take a look at his complex. I also looked at a few others. The rent and location was best at the place where Joe lived, and wouldn't you know it....the ONLY 1 bedroom available was across the hall from him.

We got to know each other by propping our doors open and yelling across as we went about our day. It was fun. I got to know a really great guy and we fell in love (insert flowery music here.)

What a great time. I think that was the best summer of my life so far. I left an abusive relationship, harkened out on my own, Joe & I met, fell in love, got pregnant, freaked out, told our families, freaked out, bought a house, freaked out, got married, and then had a beautiful little boy. Yes, that's the order of things, and no it wasn't necessarily how I would recommend doing it or how I believe it should be done, but there it is.

So all of that was encapsulated in that breeze the other day. And it made me feel all kinds of things: nostalgic, wistful, sad, hopeful, content, and happy. All in a matter of about a second.

It made me realize (again) how important it is to refer back to where we've been to truly appreciate where we are and where we're going.

And I leave you with THE song that sums up all of the memories and emotions of when I met Joe. *sigh* Enjoy.

Click Here for your listening pleasure.

This Is Driving Me Nuts

So, here I sit...August 22, 2010...a mere 3 days before my oldest son is set to start school and I have not one bit of peace about it.

This will probably be a rambling post because it's all of my thoughts laid bare in the erratic order that they are coming to me. I apologize for misspellings. I'm just firing away at the keyboard and I don't much care about spellcheck at the moment.

R is 5. 5 years ago Joe and I already had started talking about his first day of school. I jokingly commented about how I would be a wreck (and that seems to be holding true today). I always had visions of his first day with his new little backpack and lunch box. It just seems a rite of passage that we've all gone through, right?

I am neurotic. We all know this. I've embraced it. But this is really kicking my ass. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I had finally decided for sure that I would homeschool him. Joe conceded. I had big plans of how I would make sure R was properly socialized (insert eye roll here) and also meet his scholastic potential. While I am certainly not a credentialed teacher, I AM his mother, and I consider myself moderately intelligent. Kindergarten should be the least of my worries as far as education. Shapes, colors, numbers, letters, writing his name, knowing his address, check, check, check, check, check, and check. This is most certainly not to take away anything from those teachers who are educated and credentialed. Not just anyone can walk into a kindergarten classroom and teach children what they need to know at their age level. However, in my favor, I have taught preschool, I have taught at my church, and I know my kids better than anyone. I also know when to admit that I am inadequate and where to look for help.

So, rewind to 2 days ago when I was watering the lawn and I had these thoughts creep in to my head, "Awww, he's going to miss all the fun "first day of school" stuff that everyone is doing. What if he doesn't get to know the feeling of his first classroom, doing projects at his desk, and making me a macaroni necklace at Thanksgiving?" "Should I send him? It's not too late. I haven't officially withdrawn him...." And on and on. I shared my thoughts with Joe yesterday and was greeted with [what I took to be] relief from him (which I meet with resentment...still sorting this out) and we sat R down at lunch and asked him if he would rather go to school or be homeschooled. He said he wanted to go to school. Then I burst into tears and cried all the way through lunch. (Quick caveat: just because R said HE wanted to go to school doesn't mean that's the decision. We don't let our 5 year old make momentous life choices all on his own, but I did want to hear what he thought.)

So, now you find me sitting here tonight feeling like a total sell out. I am so bothered and upset that I don't even know where to start. I feel like I am giving in to all the reasoning that everyone-- who has NO IDEA what homeschooling is, mind you-- uses to explain why they are against it. I'm mad at myself for not thinking about it more before I brought it up to Joe or put it back on the table for discussion. Mostly, I'm mad at the idea that there are people in my life who think, "Phew. Dodged a bullet for poor R. She FINALLY came to her senses."

I am really irritated at all the opinions about how school is so important for socialization. That one just makes me want to scream. Why does socialization HAVE to happen in the classroom? Is that really the best and only way to prepare our kids for being productive members of society? Because, unless times have changed and we sudddenly live in Mayberry, the "socializing" I got in school was all about hiding my insecurities, being teased and picked on by those who felt the only way to bring themselves up was to be hateful to others, made fun of for everything from where I lived to the car my family drove, the clothes I wore, the way I smelled, and the fact that my teeth were crooked. All things I had zero control over, by the way. But that certainly didn't stop anyone from tearing me down about them. I watched as groups of kids cliqued together and excluded those who they didn't feel were worthy to be in their group. But as I sit back and re-read what I just wrote I think that it IS a perfect picture of society today, isn't it? See what we're teaching our kids? Awesome. Sign me up. Here's my impressionable 5 year old son who has one of the softest hearts of any child I know and I'm going to hand deliver him to experience these "rites of passage" just so he doesn't 'miss out on anything.' Yeah, that's sarcasm.

So who am I really mad at? All those who are set in their 1950/60's thinking that homeschooling is for those hippie kids who are weird, wear long skirts, marry their cousins and can't carry on a conversation? Mind you most (if not all) of these people have such little understanding of what it is or the amazing opportunities there are for homeschoolers now, yet they are not afraid to throw out their opnion as what's "best"...for my son. 

Am I mad at Joe for not taking the initiative to do some research on his own and, instead, clings to his outdated and inaccurate stereotype that only weird, antisocial kids are homeschooled?

Am I mad at a society that we have let become so decayed that I now have to worry about my son's physical safety from bullies, predatory teachers, and lunatics who shoot schools up? That my son will be told he can't exercise his right to pray or speak about God or God's Word because some consider it 'hate speech'?

Or...am I really mad at myself? Am I so disgusted that I've caved into the pressure from others, from society, from my own husband to follow the crowd, walk the broad path, and conform? Am I still so bothered by the way I was treated all through school, that I'm terrified for my son?

*Sigh*

It's all just too much to think about. My head feels like it's going to explode.

And if I hear one more person tell me how I'm going to love it especially when he comes home and tells me all about his day...bad things will happen. No I WON'T love knowing that 7 hours of my son's day were spent with someone else who got to watch him grow and learn, and discover. I WON'T enjoy knowing that most of my child's waking hours were spent with people I don't really know saying who knows what and treating him in a manner I'm unaware of. I WON'T think it's great that I had one less child to care for that day, and his going to school will give me a "break." I din't sign on to be a mom so that it could be convenient. I signed on because I love children and I wanted to watch this little baby grow and learn and have an active part in who they turn out to be-who God intended them to be. So...how does public school fit into all of that? For me...I know the decision is different for every parent and one size does not fit all...I feel like I am shirking my responsibilities. I feel like I am failing him in some way.

I will have to stand before God one day and explain my decisions. What if I'm feeling called to homeschool him at this juncture in life and I am turning my back on it because I don't want him or myself to be looked at like we're "different"? I don't want to feel like I have to defend that he's homeschooled everytime it comes up in conversation. I don't want to be an island in my belief that it's what is best for us, for R, for me.

So, I'm concluding now. I'm not looking for feedback or comments, especially those that may agitate me more or send me over the deep end. I just needed a place to vent and cyberspace seemed as good a place as any. If you've followed this derailed train this far, you're a brave soul.

Let's Talk About Psychos

We've all encountered at least one in our lives. Right?

I certainly have, but why is it I always feel surprised when it happens. I KNOW they're out there, but it's always such a shock to experience one first-hand.

This week I had a douzy. Some crazy person who tried to get all up in my business--literally--and spewed lies all over a public forum.

If it hadn't been so disturbing--or happening to me--I probably would have laughed at how ludicrous the whole situation was. BUT...since it WAS happening to me, my head very nearly blew off my shoulders instead.

I have not quite mastered that zen-like quality yet where sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me. They hurt, darn it. Especially when they're used with malicious intent. I am not a malicious person--well, maybe a tiny bit passive aggressive at times-- but I am not OUTWARDLY a malicious person. So, it always hits me hard when I find someone who deliberatley wants to hurt someone--especially ME!

I did what any sane and reasonable person would do: I sent out for reinforcements (which showed up en masse, let me tell you! (Thank you, ladies! You know who you are), got a little choked up, swore a little, and cyber stalked the perpetrator. I found all kinds of interesting info on the person. ALLLLL kinds....

People really should be more careful what they put out there on the Internet!

And after my research session, I realized that this person is probably really insecure and acts like this to get attention. Yes, I know, it sounds like an After School Special, but it's true.

So, I can let it go. For now. Unless this person rears their ugly head in my business again. Then it's on.

Warning...This Post Is Of A Delicate Nature =)

I open this with a sincere warning to all family and friends who do not want TMI of mine or Joe's more personal life to exit stage right at this moment. Don't worry...it's not about S-E-X. At least, not directly.

I mean it...the following may make you enormously uncomfortable, but since it made me cry hysterically with laughter, I had to share with all of you...er, minus my mom...and my mother-in-law...and my sister-in-law....um and anyone from my church who may find this inappropriate. Okay,  you get the idea.

Still here? You're along for the ride? Okay, Welp, I warned ya...

This afternoon Joe found himself in the basement with a little extra time on his hands and the clippers staring him in the face. So, like any red blooded, hairy, Italian man, he decided the best thing to do would be to trim things up. You know *ahem* downstairs. He came back upstairs a few minutes later, all proud of himself for "cleaning things up" and proudly showed me his handy work. (Psst, Note to Joe: do not show handiwork in front of a wall of windows in our sunroom.) I oohed and ahhed for a few moments admiring his steady hand and precision skill with the clippers.

And then we went about our day.

Fast forward to this afternoon when Joe calls me from work to tell me that he may have gotten a bit "ambitious" when he cultivated his "manscaping" and could possibly have "nicked something on the undercarriage." He said, "You know that feeling when you just don't feel good and you wander around in your own little world? Well, that's where I am." He said he tried baby powder thinking that might quell the sting, but to no avail.

Anything he said after that is lost as I couldn't hear him any longer over my howling. Even as I tried to type this I had to stop for fits of hysterical laughter. Please tell me someone out there is laughing with me. I'm sure every man on the planet is cringing, protectively covering the jewels and nodding in understanding. Me? I'm doubled over. I know that may seem cold, but if you know me well, you would expect nothing less.

Project Mom Casting Call?

Me-in all my daily glory

I just stumbled upon this by watching one of my all-time faves Lori at Mommyfriend.com . I watched a couple other auditions and immediately my juices got to flowin thinking about the idea of entering. And then the sweat got to flowin because I always chicken out of things like that. I talk myself right out of it. Who needs a heckler in the audience when I have the voice in my head?

The idea of this casting call (I think) is to pick a mom (or moms? I'm not very good at reading the fine print) to make a show about. Pardon me if I just totally butchered the entire premise of the contest. "They" are looking for a mom who blogs. Okay, I fit the bill, even though I have taken a little snooze of late on the funny posts.

I think there may be a tiny problem, though. One look into my daily life and it may switch from a documentary type show on blogging moms to an episode of Intervention or Super Nanny. No drugs or alcohol here, just plain craziness and insanity. I mean, I'm hardly sitting in the corner talking to myself and drooling, but it can get pretty hairy. Who wants to see that? Who wants to see me in my sweats cleaning up E's pee off the hardwood for the umpteenth time, picking up the playroom...again, or repeating the same handful of phrases I repeat on a daily (hourly?) basis: "No hitting" "Share!" "Put your pee pee away" "STOP YELLING!" and "Please get off your brother's head!" Would you tune in for that? Actually, maybe you would. It might make your daily craziness seem completely sane and logical. =) I guess we all have a part to play, right?

If I were to take the leap, what would I do for my audition? Should I keep it real and have the day-old makeup smeared under my eyes, the rat's nest pony tail, and the inevitable booger on my shoulder? Should I glam up and pretend I always look so fab? Should I let E be in the background yelling at me to give her a bottle and R with his customary hand down the pants? Should I have a maid come in so I can give the illusion that my house is always clean? Nah, that's getting a bit ridiculous. I'll just go to my friend's house--it's always immaculate.

What do you think? Is a show about a blogging mom one you would watch? I know what my bloggy mom friends would say!

Holy Headaches, Batman! E's Peeing On The Floor Again!

I just started seriously trying to potty train our 2 1/2 year old daughter. I don't know why I'm in such a hurry with her when our oldest was almost 4 before he got it. People keep telling me that she probably won't walk down the aisle of graduation with a diaper on or a bottle in her mouth, and I'm pretty sure they're right, but I stress about it nonetheless.

Oh yeah, we caved in on the whole bottle thing. I'm weak. I suck. I totally admit it. She stopped going down for naps or bedtime without a fight and even then she would wake up an hour or so later screaming. This went on for a little more than 2 weeks. I decided I didn't care if I had to buy her a car, I was going to sleep the night through. So, Jesus Fed Ex'd her bottles back from Heaven and we all had a restful night's sleep.

I'm really wondering if she is ready, though, for this potty training business. I'm not convinced that she's even aware when she is peeing. She'll be standing playing at the train table and whizzing all the while without so much as a flinch. It's only when her brother yells, "E's peeing!" that she even reacts. I have scrubbed pee out of three different rooms on 5 different occasions today. I'm already over the whole thing. I simply do not have the patience for this. I made the poor girl sit on the potty until she had red marks from the seat, and she still peed all over the house! Maybe we'll wait a bit longer? Isn't this the whole reason we claim we don't have a pet?

On top of that, I have been having these headaches for the past few days. I actually think it's one drawn-out headache that ebbs and flows. It aches in my neck, shoulders, and head. I desperately need a massage! A chiropractor's visit would be Heavenly!

Did any of you mommy readers have headaches during your pregnancy? These ones I'm having sometimes turn into a migraine. I have had headaches with each pregnancy, but #5 seems to be kicking my butt!

That's What I Get For Surfing The 'Net

Click HERE for photo credit

And here we are again. Just you and me chatting over the ambient light of the computer monitor. Joe's working late, the kids are in bed, and no matter how many times I tell myself I can't wait to tuck them in, I always feel a little lonely afterward.

Have you ever surfed online and stumbled over one of those complaint boards? Has it ever been a bunch of miserable people complaining about a company or product you love? That happened to me tonight.

Usually I am the miserable S.O.B. complaining about some wrong done to me, but tonight I found myself championing the company they were verbally ripping to shreds. I had a beautiful and eloquent response all written when I chickened out at the last minute. I just can't stand those replies to my reply that are mean.

Reading some of these responses got me to thinking about a few things, in no particular order: spell check, grammar usage, and common sense.

Far too many people fire off an angry email without bothering to use spell/grammar check. Big mistake. One misspelled word? Forgivable. A paragraph riddled with them? Heinous. You immediately lose credibility in my eyes. Especially when you are complaining about a college and how uneducated the instructors are and why you can't understand the bad grades you received.

Grammar mistakes? They make me cringe, but one or two...whatever. So many that all I end up focusing on is your horrible assault on the American language and I've already forgotten what you were trying to say. I had some not-so-nice responses on my facebook page when my status update said something about the 'groups' on facebook needing to use grammar check. One reply was, "Well, no buddy's perfect, Mandy." [sic] I could not make this stuff up! I'd like to laugh and think it was a pun, but I think I know better. No, nobody is perfect, but if you're going to name a GROUP on facebook, (with the title "IF I SPOKEN TO MY PARENTS HOW KIDS TALK NOW DAYS I`D BEEN KNOCKED OUT") Really? Cuz I don't think you're doin such a hot job of 'spoken' now. Just run spell check/grammar check before you throw that out there. Seriously. Pet peeve. Amazingly it has over 2.3 MILLION "likes"! I guess I'm the only one who cares.

Common sense. Ahhh, that thing that you either have or you don't. One moaner on the site complained that the FA department of this college told her to go ahead and "apply for the full loan amount just in case you don't get enough grants." She said she couldn't afford the whole amount in loans, but the FA person said she "looked good" for the grants, so she applied for the whole amount...AND THEN COMPLAINED WHEN SHE DIDN'T GET ENOUGH GRANTS AND HAD TO PAY BACK THE LOAN. While I may not agree with the FA advisor's advice, this girl certainly didn't have her arm twisted to sign her John Hancock on these loan apps. And referring back to my earlier rant about spell and grammar check, if you're going to fire off a heated dispute about a company and call them 'ignorant,' 'uneducated' and other things along those lines, for the love of God, at least make sure you aren't butchering every spelling and grammar rule ever created. Don't pepper your 7 paragraphs of venom with commas anywhere and everywhere. Blaming the school because your syllabus didn't download completely and you missed assignments? Really? Being angry because no one answered your "What am I missing?" posts...YOU didn't even know what you were missing...how was ANYONE ELSE supposed to know??

I swear, this stuff is real. Maybe I'm the only one with a corn cob up the derriere because of it? I just think: Take some responsibility. Own up to your part in the situation. Quit expecting everything to always go your way. And for God's sake...spell/grammar check your responses!

Now, after a few minutes to reflect, I realize that I have expended a good bit of energy on such a silly topic. And I apologize for that if it annoys you. Maybe you can go blog about me now and how you're tired of reading blogs about people whining about BLAH BLAH BLAH... See?

There have to be things that annoy you? Let me have 'em. I can handle it. Well...as long as I am not the subject. If that's the case, keep it to yourself and go about your life.